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I Have Been There

September 14, 2011

This was written for a friend of mine who tried to delete herself from existence.
My response to her came from Sylvia Plath:

I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root;
It is what you fear.
I do not fear it: I have been there.

And then I wrote this for her. (But Plath was much better.)

I am cold.
I am quiet.
I am confused.
I am not very calm at the moment.
I’m entirely too exhausted, exasperated
to be anything other than exanimate.

You and me
are too similar to have this distance between us.
My heart is breaking
through the isolation,
the withdrawal,
the walls of the silence
inching higher and higher and higher.
The separation of your heart
is coming to ends in uneven edges
and crooked corners.
None of the cuts are clean.
The only constant are the trailing tears
of cold,
in the quiet
and confusion.
And none of us can be very calm at the moment.

I’m an idiot
and so are you.
I do not want to temper my speech with grace.
Do you think you can understand that?
Do you think your God can?

I think it’s a fundamental…
I think it’s innate…
I think it’s human instinct…
this whole giving up thing.
And yet we’re not allowed to.
It’s boldly bellowed
from the selfish,
from the frightened,
from the “Divine.”
I am sick of wordiness
and greed.

I do not want to fight.
I do not want to forgive.
I do not want to feel.
I miss sleep like the touch of a lover.
I want to fall into a dark seclusion
away from the cold,
the quiet and confusion.
I want it to be calm.
I want to sleep and not be woken
for the ten thousandth time.
I hate to be jarred.
And I wonder if you’ll ever stop shaking.
And I need to know if those criticisms of yours will ever wane away.

But we’re still not allowed to give up.
No. No. NO!
I can’t help but wonder if they know what it’s like to be cold,
to hear the loneliness of the great quiet,
to buckle under such confusion…
and to be told to calm down.
I don’t think so.
Because if they did,
they’d be scared shitless,
just like me.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 14, 2011 8:23 am

    You’ve captured it so well. “The ten thousandth time” really made me think. -Kurt🙂

  2. September 14, 2011 11:19 am

    I love indulging myself in your creativity🙂 You’re so talented, please keep it up xoxo

  3. ardiecoll permalink
    November 9, 2011 3:34 pm

    “I can’t help but wonder if they know what it’s like to be cold,
    to hear the loneliness of the great quiet,
    to buckle under such confusion…”

    That is phenomenally written. The use of ‘great quiet’ is profound, and there’s something about the word ‘buckle’ being used here that hits me.

    • November 10, 2011 4:43 pm

      I’m so embarrassed! haha Thank you for your very generous words, Ardie! I’m flattered, but really, you’re too kind.
      Also, thanks for being my 800th comment~! You get a prize! (I’ll send it by way of China!)

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