ちょっと怖い。A Little Scary.
I looked at my calendar last night and realized I have less than two months before I’ll be in Japan.
Then I realized that I had even less than that here in my little, old college town. ((I’m going back to PA to say goodbye to my family before I leave for Japan.))
I was quite surprised, to say the very least.
I realized that I needed to get a jump on packing. I hate the process of moving ((traveling is fun, but moving into another place to live is not fun in my opinion)). So I got a lot of boxes, pulled out my suitcases and trunks, and decided to plunge ahead.
I opened the door to my bedroom, took one look around and began having that deep, sobbing, emotional breathing that happens right before you start to cry. I was stunned by my reaction. I never expected to be flooded with such a strong wave of emotion. It has taken me a few days to process all of this. The whole of my adult life has been wrapped up around this place and its people. I haven’t lived anywhere else for 5 1/2 years! All my belongings are in that bedroom. Every drop of familiarity I have in the world is in this one little place. And I was surprised to hear this little tiny voice bellowing 行かないで！ Don’t go!
Going to teach in Japan is what I’ve been working towards for four years now. This is what I have studied and breathed and loved. I’m definitely going, and I truly want to. I just wasn’t giving any credit to how special my time here and my memories have been. The truth of the matter is: I’m going to miss my friends.
That little bit of truth is a gnawing ache in the back of my mind.
I am terribly shy, and get extremely quiet in a crowd of people. Sure I can smile and be friendly, but making friends is different. At night, as I lay in bed, my head is reeling with whispers.
What if I’m a bad teacher?
What if no one likes me?
What if I can’t get better at Japanese?
What if I fail?
I’m not a quitter. I’ve always been stubborn and independent as much as possible. But this is a little scary to be sure.
I’m not getting cold feet. I’m still so excited, and quite certain that this is the right path for me. I’m not doubting myself, Interac, or anything else. I think it’s very true that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. So I’m calling fear out, acknowledging it, turning the light on, and by so doing, realizing there is nothing for me to really be scared about.
But nostalgia is hitting close … and I’ll probably cry at least once before this is over.
I would appreciate your support. ♥